On the Lighter Side

Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.

Accounting Jokes

A job interview is in progress, a bright and experienced accountant is interviewing for a position of a CFO. He is being interviewed by the members of board of directors and a CEO. During the interview the CEO suddenly asks: "Tell me, what is seven multiplied by three?" The accountant thinks fast and tells "22." Once the interview is over the accountant goes out, takes out the calculator and finds the answer - 21, disappointed, he goes home. Next morning he gets a call from the CEO, "Hey, you got a job." The accountant is pleasantly surprised. He cannot but ask, "Thank you very much for the job but what about seven multiplied by three?" The CEO tells him - "of all the candidates we interviewed, you came the closest."

 On a sunny afternoon three accountants are standing near a tall pole and wondering about the height of the pole. First accountant, a CPA says, I do not think there is any authoritative guidance on how measure the height of a pole, that is not the job of accountants. Second accountant, a professor at a state university says, well, if we take a survey of similar locations and asked people about the height of poles, then we may be able to deduce height of this pole, it will be a good enough estimate. The third accountant is a professor at an Ivy league university. He confidently claims, if we measure the shadow of the pole under different conditions, then I can run a multivariate regression model and can give a very good estimate of the height. As this conservation is going on, an engineer is passing by, he stops and asks about their discussion. Accountants tell him, you probably can not understand this complex problem. The engineer persists and hears about the problem. He smiles, lifts the pole from the base, measures it, and says, "twelve feet and three inches," and walks off. Accountants look at him, laugh contemptuously and say in unison - "hell, we wanted to know the height of the pole and he tells us the length."

A very successful partner is a big six firm had a peculiar habit. He will go to his desk open a locked drawer, look inside, lock the drawer again, and start his work. His subordinates knew that he hid the secret of his success in the drawer, they waited for the opportunity. One day when the partner had gone out of the city, the juniors decided to make a break. They broke into the drawer, breathlessly, and looked inside. There was one small piece of paper inside - it said - "left is debit and right is credit."

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage, and burn. The Martian goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the solar system. We're here to destroy your civilization, pillage, and burn. What do you think of that?' The owner replies "I cannot express an opinion based on a hearsay evidence, I am a Chartered Accountant"

An auditor is hard at work, auditing an airline. The auditor cannot understand an excess fuel consumption on a Detroit to Erie route, for flight no. 420. The auditor calls the pilot and demands an explanation. The pilot replies "It was a late night, snow storm was raging, and I lost my bearings." The auditor demands a statement, "for what?" the pilot asks. The auditor tells him "for lost bearings."

The auditors have taken an inventory of thermometers held in a warehouse, in summer. The thermometers will be exported out of the country in January, and are kept under lock and key. In December, auditors ask management to redo the inventory count. The management is surprised "Why? Nothing has changed." Auditors tell them "The inventory is overstated, in summer there is more mercury in the thermometers."

There was an expert accountant who was well versed in the game theory. He once hears that his intelligent niece, who is five years old, always takes a nickel, when a choice between a nickel and a dime is offered. He explains to his niece "You must understand, dime is twice as valuable as a nickel, so always choose a dime." The niece tells "Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money."

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over, itís a big flock so he takes the bet. "973" says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I am a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an accountant with a Big Six firm," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that? "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

An Indian Accountant's Theory of Reincarnation - if you are a good accountant, virtuous accountant, then you are reborn as an engineer. But if you are evil, wicked accountant, you are reborn as a psychologist.

One day in microeconomics, the professor was writing up the typical "underlying assumptions" in preparation to explain a new model. I turned to my friend and asked, "What would Economics be without assumptions?" He thought for a moment, then replied, "Accounting."

A science graduate asks, "Why does it work?" An engineering graduate asks, "How does it work?" An accounting graduate asks, "How much it costs?" A humanity graduate asks, "Do you want fries with that, Sir?"

A man lands on a hot air balloon in the middle of the desert, not knowing his whereabouts he looks around. Along walks another guy so the balloon man asks "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" "Sure" says the other one "longitude 23'45", latitude 34'12". "Oh," says the balloon man, "you must be accountant" "As a matter of fact, I am, how did you know?" "Well, you just gave me a very precise piece of worthless information." " I see" says the accountant "and you must be a consultant." "You are right, how did you know?" "As long as you're up in the air, you seem to know where you're going, but as soon as you get down to earth, you're lost."

While waiting to board a plane in a small airport, a ticket agent said on the paging system: "Would the accountant who dropped his pants please return to the ticket counter."  After a slight pause, the same voice added, "The pants were on a hanger!"

An auditor is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.  "Doctor, I just can't get sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend many hours trying to find it."

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional.  The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands.  He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully.  He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.   Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands.  He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.  He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door.  "Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Accountant's Life:
He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played.
He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid.
And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied.
For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died. 

A partner is discussing ethics policy with the staff accountant.  He says "We take ethics very seriously around here.  Remember, we are professionals not businessmen."  The young staff accountant is impressed.   The partner elaborates "Yesterday I received a check from a client.  It paid $5,000 more than our bill.  Immediately an ethical question arose, shall I tell it to other partners?"

An auditor is hard at work auditing a manufacturing plant.  He spots one worker at the end of the shift, that worker is always carrying a wheelbarrow covered with an opaque cloth.  The auditor is certain something is fishy.   He asks the security to check the wheelbarrow.  Many surprise checks, security finds nothing.  On the last day of the audit the auditor goes to the worker and asks, "Alright, I give up.  I know you are taking something.  I cannot prove it .   I do not want to pursue it.  I just want to know.  What are you stealing?"  The worker replies, "Wheelbarrows."

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."

Accountants in Popular Culture
Characters
* The mother and her both parents in Look Who's Talking
* Roland Brittain, the protagonist in Risk by Dick Francis
* The villain in Death and Taxes by Susan Dunlop
* Some of Michael Jackson's best friends
Expressions
* I'm counting on you
* There's is no accounting for taste
* Keeping in the balance
* Bean counter
* Juggling the books

What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don't understand.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
How much money do you have?

What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

What is an auditor?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets the wounded.

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold a road map the wrong way.

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep what does she say?
"Darling, tell me about your work."

When the accountant laughs loud?
When some one asks for a raise.

What did the accountant say when he got a blank check?
My deductions have at last caught up with the salary.

What did the accountant say when he looked at the tax form?
The man who set the standard deduction must have been a bachelor.
I am lying when I am listing myself as a head of household.

Why the accountant started smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his income tax.  Called it loss by fire.
So his medical expenses went above the 71/2% threshold. 

How does an accountant stay out of debt?
He learns to act his wage. 

Did you hear about the constipated Accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.

There are just three types of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.

Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?
The accountant is $1 million shy and hence is retiring.

 

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Newton's Laws of Accounting

1. For every accountant, there is equal and opposite accountant.
2. Both of them are wrong.
 

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Top 10 Signs Your Accountant is Nuts - © David Letterman.

10. In several places on your tax forms, heís written, "Give or take a million dollars."
9. Tells you to put all your money into British cattle futures.
8. You notice that his "calculator" is just a broken VCR remote.
7. Insists that there is no such number as four.
6. He laughed at Bob Dole background check (I am sorry - thatís a sign he is hypnotized).
5. Counts family of squirrels living in your yard as dependents.
4. Advises to save you postage by filing your taxes telepathically.
3. Instead of a CPA license, heís got a framed photo of a shirtless Alex Trebek.
2. Demands that you call "Una-countant."
1. Heís got a 1040 form tattooed on his ..........
 

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Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant - © David Letterman

10. You hear him on the phone saying, "Have I ever let you down, Leona?"
9. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS
8. His "short form" looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin
7. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent
6. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as "charitable donation"
5. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County
4. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.'s defense fund
3. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as "sucker"
2. At least five times, he says "here's a little trick I taught Darryl Strawberry."
1. He akes you wear a hospital gown
 

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Top 10 Pick-Up Lines of Accountants - © David Letterman

10."You've got a lovely pair of W-2's."
9."Please, baby, let me withhold you."
8."Technically, having sex with me is a charitable gift."
7."In my office, 'I.R.S.' stands for 'I'm really sexy.' "
6."If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?"
5."You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income...now let's do it."
4."Let's fill out a 1040 -- you're a 10, and I'm 40."
3."You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her."
2."Lady, you make my pants file for an extension."
1."Nice assets."
As presented by New York City-area accountants
 

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Top 10 Signs You Work in Public Accounting/Consulting

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their processes.
9. You get all excited it's Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.
4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.
3. Ask your friends to "think out of box" when making Friday night plans. 
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
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General Observations about Accounting

Accounting Laws:

1.Trial balances donít
2.Working Capital does not
3.Liquidity tends to run out
4.Return on investments never will

Bottom line is only the tip of the iceberg.

Those who live by the bottom line shall die by the bottom line.

Accountants have a vacuum-tube mind in a solid state world.

Accounting: A bunch of numbers running around looking for an argument.

A fool and his money are soon audited.

Cash in hand means bill in the mail.

If you need accounting to prove it, it was probably not true in the first place.

Obviously accounting pays, otherwise there would be no accountants.

There is nothing more permanent than temporary account.

Accounting will prove anything, even the truth.

Accountants carry their calculations to two decimal points only to prove that they have marvelous sense of humor.

Accounting proves that money is the least viscous of all substances.

Artificial hearts are no big deal; theyíve been around since the first accountant.

An accountant is a man hired to explain that you did not make the money you did.

Accountants are witch doctors of the modern world.

Accounting is economics without assumptions.


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An Ode to Auditing

Q: What is the definition of an accountant?

A: Someone who solves a problem, you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

 

Q: What does an accountant do for birth control?

A. He talks about his business.

 


Q: What is an extroverted accountant?

A: One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

 


Q: What is an insolvency practitioner?

A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

 


There are just three types of accountants:

Those who can count and those who can't.

 


Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?

A: Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

 


Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

 


Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

A: Depreciation.

 


Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?

A: The accountant knows he is boring.

 


Q: How was copper wire invented?

A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.

 


Q: What's an auditor?

A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

 


Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?

A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

 


Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

 


Q: What's an extroverted accountant?

A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.

 


Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

 


Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?

A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

 


Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?

A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.

 


Q: What's an actuary?

A: An accountant without the sense of humor.

 


Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

 


Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?

A: Invite an accountant.

 


Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?

A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.